if she's the one you want
by words end here
Summary: Nate has turned eighteen today, its the end of summer and everyone is celebrating. Except Blair Waldorf. B/N/S and C/B/N triangle. Oneshot.


**If ****she's the one you want**

**A/N:**This is told from Blair's point of view and its set about a year later.

--

I must admit, I didn't think he'd get over it as quickly as he did. I mean, didn't need a mourning period of some sort?

When I look at him, I see a lot of things. My past being one of them. He was constantly there, throughout everything and he didn't always handle the situations well, but at least he was there. Nate was the one I threw my arms around and melted into when the world got a little bit too hard, when school got a little bit too much, when Serena had everything that I didn't and when everything fell apart, he'd piece it back together, in some shape or fashion.

Now Serena throws her arms around him all the time right in front of me. I don't know, it's probably me being so particular, because I know I am but just…why? Am I a complete fool for not understanding how things changed so much that they ended up like this? Am I just delusional because I think that one day we'll find our way back to each other eventually? But I know the answer. I know that really, I'm just in love.

The problem is I don't know who I love more. I love Chuck because…he's Chuck and he's always been there too. But honestly, my standards are just far too high and he constantly fails at achieving them. And I know that's my fault. When we got together, eventually he convinced me that the endless cycle of getting together; breaking up because we hated each other so much and then getting back together was over. I like things being consistent. I hate change. I hate how Serena just left, and then she comes back and expects life to go one as our fabulous selves. I hate how Chuck suddenly goes from being a good friend into someone who is all of a sudden in love with me, taking my virginity in the back of a limousine. I hate myself for letting him. And I hate Nate. I hate him because he has hurt me the most.

So then I guess the real problem is I don't know who I hate more.

Its Nate's eighteenth birthday party tonight. We're all at Victrola, which _of course_ brings back memories. Sometimes I look back on that night, and I don't regret a thing. Because lets face it, it was Nate's fault for not letting me in. I could have went to Serena but she was busy being ravaged by Humphrey so else was I supposed to turn to?

When I think about it, mostly I always end up blaming Serena. Whether she's trying to "change" or just being her old drunken carefree self she plays a huge part in my life. She's the reason why I'm here, now, Chuck's arm slumped around me, music blaring and watching them be together and happy.

"Any chance of an encore tonight?" Chuck murmurs to me in between kisses. Yes, I actually think while I kiss him. There was a time when I kissed someone; I let myself get completely caught up in it. But heres the thing, the more you get involved, invested or interested in something the more chance it has of kicking you in the ass.

I pull away and cast my eyes back over to Serena and Nate, who are making their way over to us, smiles on their faces, both blond, both beautiful and both perfect for each other. And the hardest part is, everyone knows it just as they do. I leave Chuck with no reply and stand up to hug my best friend.

"I so knew you had to come tonight," she whispers. Yeah, I tried to get out of it. "I can't believe you weren't going to come."

During today I wasn't necessarily ignoring the fact that it was Nate's eighteenth, I just wasn't in the mood, you know? I wasn't in the mood for dressing up not to be complimented by him. I wasn't in the mood to be the smaller girl by Serena's side. I wasn't in the mood for Chuck declaring his undying love and the limo sex revisited tonight. I'm in no mood.

But of course I didn't say that. This was blurted out instead, "You know I had to come. I mean, Natie's eighteen!" I let go of Serena and then turn to Nate to hug him.

He smells just as he always has. Like the most delicious, clean, beautiful boy alive. And he has his arms around my waist just a little bit too tight.

When I pull away, I glance up nervously into his eyes. They're greener, even though it's probably just me.

When I look at him, I see my present. Because it's not like he completely vanished off my radar, I mean its Nate we're talking about here. He's still best friends with Chuck. He's my ex-boyfriend.

And now he's my best friend's boyfriend.

I understand how Serena must have felt over the years if she was in love with him. Key word being _if. _Because I know what it's like now. It's not like I can actually tell Nate the truth. And I'm not about to have sex with him behind her back, I still have way more fucking pride than that. And now everything was perfect for her now. She had Nate and I had Chuck and it was like Seth and Summer and Ryan and Marissa and everything was just absolutely fabulous.

"I'll get you a drink." Chuck says, not feeling the awkwardness or tension that I am. Serena strides beside him to help him over with the drinks and they leave Nate and me to it. Its something we've both gotten used to, considering Chuck, Serena and Eric are now siblings of the year.

Nate watches Serena leave with Chuck. And he's completely besotted, I know it.

He sits beside me and slides a little bit more closely to me. He doesn't say anything, he never was a man of many words but he just looks at me instead.

I can't stand it. When he looks at me like that I just…I don't breathe. I can't breathe. He's wearing a moss green shirt with khaki's because he and Serena have been at the beach today having their own little pre-party. He still has some sand in his hair and his hair is wind swept and Serena is exactly the same. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that Nate used to be mine. It doesn't matter how I feel about it. Because they're together and happy and that's all that matters.

"How are you and Chuck?" He asks innocently.

It doesn't stop me from wanting to jam my five hundred dollar heels into his foot.

"Great." The word rolls off my tongue because it's a question I have to answer frequently. Everybody assumes that Chuck and I have a new drama every week, but that's worn off. Yeah, I didn't think that would happen either.

Nate doesn't talk to me or ask me anymore questions. Why is this boy so…clueless? So irritating? So gorgeous?

"Where have you been this year?" He asks, gazing at me.

"I'm still here, Nate." I state the obvious. I mean, I'm right beside him. Right beside him and he still just won't…

"Serena told me that you were thinking of bailing tonight." He adds. Did Serena have to tell him everything? Really? Was it so necessary?

"I wanted to do something special with Chuck." I tell him, although I didn't really have anything planned. I just like Nate to know that sure, he may have Serena but I have Chuck to even out the playing field.

The thing is, Nate and I never had closer. Chuck just came swooping in.

"I need some air." I tell him brusquely and walk off on him. I can't do this anymore; I can't pretend that I love Chuck. I can't pretend that Chuck loves me.

"Blair? Blair, where are you going? What?" Nate calls but I don't stop.

--

I only smoke when I'm stressed. Sure it kind of kills you but I'm not a heavy drinker. I need something right now because it's a sticky summer night and I might as well leave because it's not like any of those three are coming to bring me back.

Scratch that. Nate is.

"Chuck wants you back in there." He offers his tone slightly afraid. Probably afraid that I'm going to eat his head off for approaching me. Which I won't. I throw away the cigarette and whirl around to face him.

"You shouldn't look at me like that. You shouldn't ask me questions you already know the answer to. And you shouldn't be trying to make me feel guilty for attempting to get out of this mess tonight." I inform him. Okay, so maybe I did verge on eating his head off. He walks slowly towards me and smiles apologetically.

"Blair, I'm sorry. I just…why wouldn't you come?" He squints his eyes. Deep down, he knows. He knows why I wouldn't come.

It's not because of Serena.

It's not because of Chuck.

It's because of him.

"It's just, how does it all change? Everything? You and me?" I gasp. Its time to let go of planning and pretending. I need answers from him and I need them now.

Nate finds it funny in a completely humorless way. He thinks we're just friends. Well, news flash. Nate Archibald and Blair Waldorf have never been just friends.

Part of me knows that if Nate and I had another chance, I'd lose Serena and Chuck forever. And that's not something I want to happen yet. I'm not sure if I ever want it to happen. So instead of giving me an answer that I'd want to hear he envelopes me in a hug. He smells like he's been at the beach, definitely. Actions always do speak louder than words.

I feel a tear roll down my cheek and now he's going to think that I'm a blubbering fool. Maybe because it's true. I am currently blubbering and every day I feel more like a fool for not taking charge of things. For just letting him go.

"I remember the first time I ever looked at you." He says in a ploy to comfort me. "Curly brown hair and you had the cutest button nose." Okay, now he must really want to see me completely break down. "I'm with Serena now. But we were each others firsts, you know? Okay maybe not the sex, but we were in love first. I loved you first."

I raise my head from his chest to look at him. I can't kiss him, I know.

But I kiss him on the cheek. It's as much as I can do…for now.

He gives me an estranged look, but then he just grins. He probably thought we'd be celebrating each others eighteenth birthday with me by his side.

"If she's the one you want…" I say, because I have to say this, "then good. Because I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy though it's not with me."

He looks at me, completely taken aback from that little declaration. "Come on." He whispers. "They're waiting."

I'm still waiting, too.

--

After that weird confrontation or whatever that was, Chuck sat me down on his lap and kissed my cheek, taking me by surprise. I like how spontaneous he can be and I do love him. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's meant to be, though.

Then Serena cuddles up to Nate like she would when we were young, in a completely innocent manner. She takes hold of his hand, loosely.

They're in love.

Nate's eyes lock with mine as Chuck picks up my drink to hand it to me. I take it. When I see him, I see my future. Do you want to know why?

Because I begin drinking like there's no tomorrow. Because honestly, there pretty much is no tomorrow. It's the end of the summer of two thousand and nine and we're all going to Yale.

Well, Serena, Nate and I are going to Yale.

Doesn't that just say it all?

--

**A/N**: I don't know where this story came from, it was completely random. Yet I like it, and I hope you do too! (:


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